My husband insensitively says whatever he wants to say, without considering others’ feelings. Therefore, when I try to be there for him and support him as a wife, I always feel that I have to suppress myself. What should I do? (Female in her 40s)
A
Being there for and supporting someone does not mean to push yourself to be on the same page. What is important is to understand and accept his thoughts and feelings. When you listen to what he says, try to listen to and understand his thoughts and feelings behind his words and attitude, like, “Why does he have to say this?” instead of having a negative mind such as “Oh, he is being insensitive again. He’s saying whatever he wants.”
And communicate your thoughts and feelings to him in a calm way. As a wife, let him know how you felt about what he said, and how you would like to support him.
Then, without fail, you will gradually come to see your husband’s true feelings which you have been unaware of, like, “He was frustrated because he was so busy with work” or “I thought he was insensitive, but now I see that he was really thinking about our family.” Accepting his thoughts and feelings, and returning the heart and words of love, like, “It must have been hard on you,” “Thank you for your trouble,”――this is what it means to be there for and support him.
Shinji
When you learn the principles and make use of the teachings in your family, the thoughts and feelings of the family members will gradually come together, making your home a place where the kokoro(souls) finds peace.
Speak of your thoughts and feelings to your family members, deeply understanding the place and the role that you have in your life.
The more this conviction deepens, the more you will come to perceive the kokoro(love) of your family members, and you will become a person who attains meaning and purpose in your life.
When you can truly get involved with him―or be there for him correctly―misunderstandings will disappear. You will no longer think that your husband’s words and deeds are not understandable. He will also become willing to cherish his wife who supports him. In this way, genuine love between the couple will blossom. You will go on to live in mutual support, deepening trust in each other.