My husband is not very good at thinking about other people’s feelings, very selfish, and says whatever that is on his mind without thinking how his words impact the other person. I’ve tried to understand him in a generous way, but it always felt like I’m trying to endure myself to try to put up with his selfishness. (Female in her 40s)
A
Perhaps, is there any chance that you are consumed by his words and actions? It is better not to be pulled away by his words and actions that appear on the surface. But try to look more on his inner feelings like his personality and thought process, and do your best to try to understand him more.
When there is a preconception about his personality inside you, you might be more sensitive and reacting as a result to his words and actions. This might lead you into thinking, “He is being selfish again,” or “There he goes again, he’s being so unthoughtful…” But to a third person, it might not appear to them as selfish as much as you think.
What you should be doing is to try not to change him. But to change your views on him thinking and assuming he is always being selfish and inconsiderate. And at the same time, it is important that you reflect on your attitude and ways of approaching him that may trigger and draw out his strong words and actions.
Shinji
In order to sprout a kokoro of harmony, it is necessary for anyone to learn the teachings as a family and to have the kokoro to put the teachings into practice at home.
Ties among the family—conversations will naturally be abundant and deepened in a family with the teachings.
Accept the other person’s feelings, and return words that correspond with your thoughts.
Repeating of this will create a stronger bond.
As many of us have our shortcomings, there are also always good points to every one of us. Based on the teachings, you should initiate in having more interest about his thoughts and feelings, and engage with him more. For example, if you think he is always saying selfish and senseless things, you should always try to react to him with thoughtful words and gestures. And try to understand and find out his feelings behind his words and actions. Through repetition of this, you may start to find something good about him that you never saw before, or he may start to calm down and be much milder. This is how trust will deepen and you will start to feel more love between the both of you.
Husband and wife are the most important human relationship in life. We can promise that there will be great rewards to the effort you put into this.