I live with my mother, who has dementia, and with my father. Ever since I was little, my mother has always suppressed me, and I’ve never had her listen to my feelings. Having dementia has made her have an even stronger personality. I can’t accept my mother’s insistence on her opinions, so how should I interact with her? (Female in her 50s)
A
Even if the words and actions are the same, each person feels it differently. Some people get upset, some get hurt, and some don’t feel anything. In other words, the cause of your troubles may seem to be the other person’s fault, but it actually lies in your own way of perceiving it.
The more you want your mother to be a certain way, the more suffering it becomes for you. So therefore, first, let’s accept the reality that dementia strongly reveals her original personality. If you keep blaming her, your mother’s kokoro will become even more unstable, and you will only be at odds with each other.
Rather than trying to change the other person, it is important to gently support the other person while praying that you will not be swayed by your own feelings and jittai. Listen carefully to your mother’s thoughts and respond to the things you can help.
Shinji
Each and every family member should know their role and position; and have the awareness to be involved in a correct way.
Over time, the family environment will change and the role and position of each person will shift.
Know what a family environment where a kokoro to harmonize is fostered; and never stop making efforts to try to build a family environment where the kokoro comes together based on the teachings.
This effort will foster a kokoro to harmonize among the family members; bring out the strengths of unmei; and leave behind good elements in the Kokoro no Michi.
Kami explains a family to a standing tree and teaches us how to be involved within the family. The role of the father, the root, is to support the mother, the trunk. When parents support each other, a mother’s kokoro becomes stable. As a child who is the branch—the job is to be close to the parents without going off your lane, and without forgetting to show respect to them.
Without your parents giving birth to you and raising you, you wouldn’t be who you are today. That alone is something you should be grateful for. If you look back and broaden your perspective, you will realize not only the bad aspects of your mother, but also the fact that she showered you with so much love. If you become aware of this, you will feel more at ease and be able to relate warmly to her.
If the burden of caregiving is large, do not shoulder the burden alone; instead, rely on your immediate family, relatives, and a nursing care services at times.