(MK from Kyoto Prefecture/80s/Female/No occupation)
“Thank you, Mom. See you tomorrow.” “See you tomorrow.” I smiled back to my son and left the hospital room. But the “tomorrow” did not come. He passed away at dawn, peacefully.
A ray of hope in the darkness
About two months ago, my son started feeling sick. He didn’t seem to be so serious at first. “Maybe it’s because of summer heat fatigue,” he said. Before long, he came to eat less and less, and finally nothing. It turned out that he had terminal liver cancer. The doctor told me that his days were numbered. This was the moment I was plunged into the depth of despair.
I had been together with my son and always depended on him. I couldn’t imagine how to live without him. When I was full of anxiety, my niece said “Auntie, let’s go to Shinji Kyōkai right away.” and took me there.
I learned the principles to fulfill the role as a mother: First, speak anxious feelings to Kami, and ask for an anchored kokoro. Then, support my son with a stable kokoro. I also learned it’s important to get support from my daughter and relatives when necessary.
These teachings helped me find my way. I felt as if a ray of light illuminated my kokoro in the darkness.
Thousand times of “Thank you”
He gave me phone calls from the hospital, even when he was in pain. He was so considerate to ask me how I was doing. Every time I visited his room, I gently rubbed his swollen hands and his back. “Don’t worry. Leave it to your mom. Fight it out. We will get through this together.” I handed him Shinji Kyōkai textbooks. He replied, “Thank you Mom. I won’t give up. ”I was also encouraged by the support of my niece. She drove me to the hospital almost every day. In entering his room, she greeted “Hiya!” raising her hand lightly. And my son also raised his hand in return. It was a heartwarming scene that reminded me of his childhood.
“How about saying ‘Thank you’, instead of ‘I’m sorry’? I’m sure that makes people around us happy,” said my niece. So, my son and I said thanks thousand times. Gradually, the swelling of his arms went down and he was able to drink water. Above all, his face surprisingly changed brighter than before.
Remembering his last words
On his last day, he saw me off at the window. He kept waving his hands until he couldn’t see me anymore. Having a hope to see me tomorrow, he passed away. His face was so beautiful and peaceful. It was a very short period, but we could spend a warm time together. My son and I were as happy as can be. I noticed that my kokoro, once full of anxieties, turned bright and positive.
A close friend of my son brought me a nice portrait. He said, “Look, this is the best shot.” “What a nice smile he is showing! I’ll use this for the funerary ceremony.” I replied. Looking at the portrait, I feel as if I were hearing his voice. “Thank you, Mom. See you tomorrow.” “I’m determined to keep my kokoro stable and live positively so that his soul will be at peace,” I said to my daughter and relatives.
Now I’m living alone but I have nothing to worry about. I’m grateful for my daughter and neighbors who always care about me. My kokoro is guided and protected, thanks to Kami. Every day I talk to him in my mind, “Thank you, my son. Don’t worry, I’m all right.”